28. Little White Lies...

A while go, this conversation took place between my son and I:

"Mom? How can Santa bring us presents? We don't have a chimney."

Crap... that's what I get for buying a newer house. Without a damn chimney.

"Well honey, Santa has Christmas magic so he can still come in even when we don't have a chimney."

Whew!!! He believed me.

Fast forward to today...

Today, for the millionth time, Michael asked me, "Mom, are dragons magic?"

For the millionth time, I answered, "Honey, magic is not real," hoping to finally put an end to the question.

"But Santa's magic is real."

Fuck. ME!

That's what I get for lying to my kid about Santa.

27. Not so Special After All...

I was driving Michael to school when we passed a horse ranch.
Three Clydesdales were standing in a line, behind one another.

I point them out to Michael "Honey look, those horses are standing in a line. Isn't that funny?"

"Why are they standing in a line?" asks Michael.

"I don't know, maybe they're smelling their butts" I say laughing.

"Ewww, that's disgusting."

Still laughing I ask Michael, "Do you know how doggies say hello?"

"How?"

"They smell each other's butts" I say, not knowing if this is really true.

"That's silly"

"I know" I say laughing, "you have a silly mama don't you."

"No."

"Well, do you think you have a funny mama?"

"No."

"What kind of mama do you have?"

"I have a REGULAR mama" Michael responds emphatically.

And here I thought I was special. So much for that.

26. Acrobatic Germs?

Michael was playing in my sink. Next to my sink, above the trash can is my towel.

Michael wiped his nose on my towel.

Frustrated, I say,  "Michael, don't wipe your nose on my towel. I use it for my face. I don't want your boogers on my towel!"

Michael responds calmly, "That's okay mom, the germs will jump in the trash can."

Allllright!!!!

After he finishes playing in the water, he wipes his hands on my towel.
I tell him "Michael, please put the towel in the laundry basket."

"Why?"

"Because it has your boogers on it."

Michael, again, responds calmly, "Don't worry mom, grandma will wash it in the washing machine."

The voice of reason... again...

25. Acceptance...

As I was driving Michael and Robert to autism school today, I see a large truck in front of us. A woman was driving it.

I was impressed, "Michael look at that huge truck. And a girl is driving it."

Michael is not impressed, "You're a girl and you drive."

"Well, yes, but I can't drive a big truck like that," I say.

"Yeah, but I've seen that before," says Michael still unimpressed.

"You know... you're kind of amazing," I say to him, impressed that he didn't find anything unusual about a woman driving a big truck, like I did.

Clearly, I need to learn a thing or two about the advancement of women in today's society.

"I know," answers my very humble son.

24. Sense of Entitlement...

"Michael, did you get any notes today?" I asked.

"No, I looked in my blue folder and I have no notes."

Whenever Michael does not listen to his teachers he gets a note in his folder, for misbehaving. We've been collecting quite a few. Alright, a few more than just a few.

"I am so proud of you Michael for listening to your teachers today," I say proudly and lovingly.

That feeling got crushed pretty quickly...

"But Mom, can I get something special because I didn't get any notes?"

"I'm sorry honey, you don't get something for doing the right thing."

"But I want something," whines Michael.

"Well, how about you get to watch a long movie this weekend," I respond.
Michael has not watched any tv this week. We're only watching tv on the weekends.

"I want something specialer than that."

Specialer... there's a word I haven't heard before, but I'll take it.

"How about we watch TWO movies this weekend?"

"No, I want something else."

"How about I make you spaghetti and meatballs?"

Frustrated, followed by a BIG sigh, "Mommmm!!!!"

23. Say... Wha'????

"Mom, why does a lotus berry paralyze us?" asks Michael.

"Ummm... what?" answers his dumbfounded mom.

"WHY DOES A LOTUS BERRY PARALYZE US?"

"I don't know honey. I didn't know they could."

"Is it because they're poisonous?"

"Uh... yeah... sure."

1. What the hell is a lotus berry?

2. How does Michael know the word 'paralyze'?

3. Who IS this kid?

22. Personal and Confidential...

Just heard a funny and personal conversation between Michael and his grandmother.

Michael and Robert are taking a bath.

"Grandma, my butt hurts, so be very gentle when you wash inside my butt," Michael says.

"Okay honey."

"Be very, very gentle. Be as gentle as a mouse."

Now there's a visual. What the hell does that even mean?

THAT'S my son.

21. A Scientific Mind... NOT

As I am driving Michael to school this morning, he asks, "Mom, are germs smaller than oxygen?"

Absolute speechless moment.

Fuck! I don't know. This is what I thought, not SAID. :)

"Mom?"

"I'm thinking honey... I don't think I know."

"MOM. ARE GERMS SMALLER THAN OXYGEN?"

"I don't know honey!"

Still thinking... This is like comparing camels to oranges.

"MOMMMMM?"

I gave up, "Oxygen is smaller than germs."